I was sixteen when my father died, old enough to understand what death meant but young enough to feel completely unprotected by the world it left behind.
One morning he was laughing over burnt toast, and by nightfall he was gone, just like that.
People kept telling me my mother was “strong.” She didn’t cry at the funeral, didn’t tremble when relatives hugged her,
didn’t even keep his photograph on the dresser. When I broke down in my room, she stood in the doorway and told me to stop crying, that I wasn’t a child anymore. A few days later, she packed two suitcases, said she had found work in another state, and promised to call. She left before sunrise. The house felt larger and emptier at the same time, and I learned very quickly what loneliness sounded like.
The next two years shaped me more than any classroom ever could. I learned how to stretch meals, how to lie about having parents when teachers asked, and how to swallow grief so it wouldn’t spill out in public. I told myself that my mother had to leave, that she was dealing with pain in her own way. That story helped me sleep at night. But questions followed me everywhere: how could someone leave their child so easily, and why did it seem like she felt nothing at all? On my eighteenth birthday, I finally decided I didn’t want stories anymore—I wanted answers. After weeks of searching, I found her address scribbled in an old notebook, and I took a bus across state lines with my heart pounding the whole way.
When she opened the door, I froze. The woman standing in front of me looked nothing like the distant, unbreakable figure I had built in my mind. Her hair was streaked with gray, her shoulders slightly hunched, and her eyes carried a tiredness that felt familiar. Behind her, the apartment was small and quiet, filled with books, plants, and framed photos turned face-down. For a moment, neither of us spoke. Then she started crying—deep, shaking sobs that caught her by surprise as much as they caught me. She told me she hadn’t been strong at all. She said she had been terrified that if she stayed, she would fall apart completely, and she was afraid of breaking in front of me.
We sat at her kitchen table for hours, talking about the things we had both avoided for years. She told me she had gone to therapy, that she cried almost every night after leaving, and that she believed distance was the only way she could survive. I told her how abandoned I had felt, how her silence hurt more than my father’s death. We didn’t fix everything that day, but something important shifted. I realized that strength doesn’t always look like staying, and weakness doesn’t always look like tears. Sometimes people make the wrong choices while trying to survive unbearable pain. I left that evening without all the answers, but with something I hadn’t had in a long time: understanding, and the possibility of forgiveness.
